One Grief Overload

Today's news of Dolly Parton's passing caught my attention not only because of her fame but also from learning that she was the primary caregiver of her husband who passed away last year in March. One of the things Dolly mentioned after her losing her husband was she neglected her own health which has taken a toll on her life aside from a broken heart syndrome that eventually caused her demise.

This has resonated immensely on me because I was once my husband's caregiver. For 7 years, with his last 8 months spent in hospice at home, my own health issues slowly creeped in, too. Did I regret it? No. I would even do it again in a heart beat! However, I might had been more intentional when it comes to my own health. Just like Dolly, I prioritized my husband's health over my own and I was always in survival mode. Nearly the end of his last two months, while still caring for him, I was diagnosed with the capital C and had to undergo surgery immediately to remove the enlarging tumor, a week before his passing. At the time of his death, I felt numb. I couldn't distinguish if my grief was from losing a loved one, a caregiving burnout, or my impending health issues. It could actually be the combination of these three circumstances.

All the while, I thought I was "healthy" but it turned out to be only a facade from having too much stress not only from caregiving duties but from my full-time, demanding job as well. At the time, my adrenaline rush was very high and I was always on high alert while taking care of my husband. But then, reality set in. With him gone while mending my own journey, I have to slow down and take things one day at a time. It is overwhelming to say the least. 

It's been 7 months now and it's still tough. One thing for sure, in the midst of these uncertainties, I know God is faithful -- always.

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